Permission to feel, Designing for intimacy & Digital field trips
The picture above is from one of my favourite moments at CreativeMornings London, an event I ran for seven years. What you see is a hundred people holding a magazine with artist Anthony Burrill's Work Hard and Be Nice to People print on it (he was our speaker that day). What I see is a hundred people performing a collective action, a hundred pairs of eyes saying "yes, and...". With recurrent live events, it takes years to build the trust and vibe that enable a whole crowd to participate as a group; as one living organism. It takes years of holding space and deeply paying attention.
When you host an event, you have an extra sense for people's emotions, and you are constantly scanning the room for clues. Who's at the back of the room and needs a little encouragement? Who's new and needs help understanding how things work? Who needs permission to share their ideas and projects? Who needs permission to be quiet?
So much of community building is an exercise of giving permission to people to connect on what's truly meaningful to them. But it's still so hard to give this permission to ourselves, especially now when many of us are trying to "keep it together", "get going", "stay positive". A friend said she can't accept her feelings around having been furloughed. It makes her feel ungrateful, and gratitude is not only deeply embedded in her Islamic faith, but especially present in practice of Ramadan. We can't help but compare our situation and feelings to others, in what Brené Brown calls comparative suffering. Brené recently interviewed Marc Brackett, the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. His new book Permission to Feel couldn't be more timely. In the podcast, Brackett shares more about the emotional intelligence framework he has developed ("RULER" for Recognise, Understand, Label, Explain, Regulate) and explains that the more we can understand the complexity of our feelings, the better we can recognise them in others.
So, my community folks, this week's invitation is to feel all the feels, so that we can show up for our people and ourselves more fully.
Correlations
My coach once showed me the above "Tiers of Emotion" graph and asked me to stick it on my fridge and revisit it as often as possible. Turns out, one can't be in the "expansive" category the whole time. Who knew? I swear the DNA test said I was 100% goddess...
This week I gave a talk for friends who run a co-working space in Athens on the opportunities for connection presented to us right now. Because everyone's lives are affected one way or another, we can invite others to skip the small talk ("Have you seen the news") and explore deeper intimacy levels than usual ("My actual fear is that..."). I often use Matthew Kelly's "7 levels of intimacy" to talk about how we build qualitative connection.
The seven levels are:
Clichés
Facts
Opinions
Hopes and Dreams
Feelings
Weaknesses and Fears
Needs
Community is a set of qualitative relationships between people who interact in a meaningful context. And we only build real relationships when we reveal real, meaningful parts of ourselves. Sharing clichés doesn't create social glue as there's nothing sticky about them. You wouldn't learn anything about me if I told you that London is still under lockdown. But if I share that I get quite anxious in the evenings because I haven't had plans in 63 days, I say something real about myself. It's a bit vulnerable, because I've put a piece of myself out there and I don't know how you will respond. But in that risk lies the opportunity for a conversation where we can learn something about each other.
When managing communities, especially right now, the level of social glue accessible to us depends on the levels of intimacy being shared. If you close a Zoom call by asking a cliché question, "What gif represents your current vibe?", people respond with clichés. But if you close by asking "What is not being said?" I can guarantee you will create space for something powerful and authentic.
Celebrations
I love the fact that CreativeMornings' FieldTrips are still going virtually. There are hundreds of events for the creative community and by the creative community for you to choose from. Think hangs with nutrition coaches, public speaking classes, tips on rewriting your story and many, many more.
Dr Christian Busch's book, "The Serendipity Mindset", is coming out in the US next month! Yes, there will be an interview and Q&A as I have so many questions!
Contemplations
Absolutely loved discovering this Visualize Value IG account and e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g about it. Philosophy, technology, aesthetics, and business in one: the dream.
What's keeping me sane on a daily basis? Matthew Ogle's Pome newsletter. One short poem a day, straight in your inbox.
Conversations
Questions communities around me are exploring this week:
What rituals are you using to demarcate the workday from... the rest of life?
There's so much literature about the creative process, but not much on the creative phenomenon and awe, why is that?
Is there going to be a more permanent shift towards small, under the radar gatherings?
This is all for today, friends! Keep sharing your thoughts, observations, and any work you'd like me to include in next week's edition. Have magical weeks and keep your eyes peeled for some interviews coming your way next week!
Vx